


Of caged words

by alectrona



Category: NCT (Band), SM Rookies
Genre: Angst, M/M, brothers!mark and johnny, jaeten is a side(?) pairing, mark is also only mentioned, phonecall, side!yusol, yusol is only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 06:27:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8317339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alectrona/pseuds/alectrona
Summary: A late night phone call from a certain someone and an unexpected turn of events forced Johnny to unearth the memories and words he had buried, caged, and deserted from three years ago.





	

The interlude to Viva La Vida plays. Johnny looks up from page 153 of his recently purchased Adam Grant book to fetch his phone on the bedside table. _How very inconvenient,_ he thought. _Who would even call at this ungodly hour?_

“Yo. Ten?”

“Uh, hi Johnny, not asleep yet?”

“Not yet, Captain Obvious, otherwise I wouldn’t pick up the call. What’s up?”

“Nothing, just catching up.”

There are several things running in parallel in Johnny’s mind: 1) who even catches up with an old friend at one in the morning; 2) is Ten partying with someone and received a Dare; 3) is Ten drunk _again_?; and 4) why is his tummy growling past midnight.

“Uhh, okay? I guess? How have you been?”

“I’m fine. Work has been so-so, not many clients lately, but my savings are enough for three months of unemployment so I’m enjoying that luxury. How about you?”

“I’m hanging by. I’d love a pay raise but-”

“Are you snacking?”

“Huh?”

“I could hear the fridge door being closed. So, you know, I thought you must be snacking.” At this point in time, Johnny’s can of coke is half-empty and the grilled chicken wrap he stored on his fridge has a huge bite in one end of the wrap. _Guilty as charged_.

Laughing heartily, he said, “they’re healthy! It’s lean chicken breast, no mayo, with lots of lettuce and it’s grilled! Stop judging me!” Ten used to nag Johnny to no end for his knack for midnight snacking – how could he not, when Johnny’s idea of midnight snacking involves a litre of the new Ben and Jerry’s and a bucket of chicken wings with cheese dip?

“Oh lord, you haven’t changed!” Johnny used to call Ten’s laughter as _the laughter of a thousand sun_ (clearly Ten was excited at this naming despite the utter and deliberate cringe-worthiness) because he had thought that his laughter energizes you. Hearing that laughter at one in the morning after three years without it, however, was beyond energizing: it was healing, remedial. Johnny couldn’t help but smile at the sound of it.

“A man gotta do what he gotta do, young man. How’s life?”

“Life has been a rollercoaster ride.”

“Hasn’t it always been one?”

“Uh huh.”

The next one minute and a half they shared in silence. It was pitch black outside, save for the dim orange streetlights blurred by the winter mist. He traced the pathway illuminated by those orange lights, all leading to an open meadow at the end of the street where in summer kids play Frisbees, in spring teenagers bathe in sunrays, and in autumn – in autumn they walked hand in hand enjoying the mild breeze and kicking the yellowing leaves blown astray.

“Hey, Johnny?” he finally said.

“Still here.”

“Jaehyun proposed to me earlier today. Crazy, huh?” there was a faint, forced laugh hanging by the sentence.

“Hey, wow! That’s great for the both of you! I’m happy for you, man, really!” Johnny genuinely meant it, like how he meant it when he said he loves Ten four winters ago.

“Thanks!”

“So, when is the big day? I expect to be invited, by the way.”

“Well, actually, I haven’t responded.”

“Oh. But obviously you’re going to say yes, right?”

“I think so.”

“Great!”

The hands of clock in Johnny’s room never sounded so loud and they have never been so interesting to look at. Engulfed in the warmth of his blanket and lullabied by the monotonous ticking of his clock, he wandered into the parts of his brain he has long deserted. He wandered to the cold nights when his heater broke down and the slender fingers warming his shoulders, to the summer days exploring Bangkok (or must he say, exploring Bangkok’s _malls_ ).

“Yeah…” Ten faintly says. “I don’t know, Johnny, it feels weird? Like, for crying out loud, I’m going to be stuck with this guy for the rest of my life! That’s scary.”

“Yeah it’s scary and hella boring. No funny businesses from now on until your _death_ , can you imagine that? No messing around anymore, Chittaphon.”

“Wow, thanks for the brutal honesty, very helpful, Johnny Seo, very much needed. Amazing,” he snorted out loud. Johnny imagined that at the end of the line, the younger guy must be rolling his eyes and making weird faces, like he always did.

“Hey, I’m not the one who called! Anyways, I assure you I’m the least qualified person to talk about these things, but, let me drop you some pearls of wisdom. Would you want otherwise – not meeting him for the rest of your life?”

“Well, obviously no, I’d want him to be around. But, you know, I don’t have to marry him _marry him,_ right? He’ll still be around anyways, right? Just like you.”

_Just like me._

“Well I’m not going to be around forever, Ten,” Johnny laughed. Quickly, he added, “in all seriousness, however, you can’t just find another Jung Jaehyun easily. He’s a catch. You’re a lucky man.”

When Johnny first heard from his lovebirds of a best friend Yuta and Hansol that Ten has a new boyfriend, he was completely brokenhearted. To be fair, it was months after their break-up and Ten had all the rights in the world to venture into new chapters of his life. He laughed it off in front of Yuta and Hansol – but once he returned to the seclusion of his room, he played his playlist with Ten and bawled his eyes out. Apparently, Johnny wasn’t ready to let go.

When he accidentally got acquainted with Jaehyun, however, he changed his mind. Jaehyun is all sorts of sweetness and perfection combined – Johnny is sure Ten couldn’t be in a more deserving hands. And so, slowly but surely, Johnny learns to let go.

“I guess. Thanks?”

“No worries, kiddo-”

“I hate it when you call me kiddo, have I told you that?”

“What?”

“When you call me kiddo, I hate it. And when you pat me on the head and rest your arms on the top of my head! I know I’m not a giant like you, but short people also have _feelings._ ”

Old habits never die; and using Ten’s small head as an armrest is one that Johnny never plans to stop.

“Remember that time when we shopped at GAP Kids because apparently their jeans fit my body? I saved a hefty sum of money that day.”

“Oh you bet I do. If it wasn’t for that stingy shopkeeper we would have bought the entire collection!”

“Exactly! They come in cute colors, too – _half_ the price of adult shirts! Oh man, good times.”

_Yeah,_ good times _huh?_ Unknowingly, Johnny dived into yet another part of his memory he buried so deeply. He’s blaming Ten for this one.

“How is Mark? Has he finished his study? Hope he’s doing fine.”

“Mark is great! He’s continuing in Manchester – aaand he got a girl, there, too! She’s a sweet little girl with beautiful voice. Our little Mark is now a grown-up!”

“No shit! He was so tiny and huggable and shy the last time I saw him!”

“Well, he still is, only with a girlfriend now, less chubby cheeks, and much taller – on that note, I think he’s actually taller than you.”

“Are we really bringing this back to my petiteness? Petite is good, it’s practical and it saves space, especially in a world with rising scarcity of land mass. In accordance to Charles Darwin’s theory my kind of people will survive and prevail.”

Jokes after jokes, memories after memories, the lingering awkwardness dissipates. The air is light, the mood is bright, and the feeling is fleeting: it is no longer the blanket nor the heater who warms Johnny, it is the familiarity and the feeling of home.

“What book are you currently reading?”

“Wow, Ten Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul actually asked me about the book I’m reading. This shall go down in history.”

“I mean, you like books!”

“Thank you very much for the observation. The two full bookshelves on my room are easy hints but, great observation.”

“Oh, I haven’t heard this annoyingness for a while, thank God.”

“Must have missed it, haven’t you? Never know what you got till it’s gone, Ten,” he _absolutely_ couldn’t believe he just slipped that out.

Ten laughed – _very loudly._ “Sounds like you’re well-seasoned with that phrase. Experience is the best teacher, is it?”

Johnny has never wanted to bury his head in the ground as much as he wants to right now. _Note to self: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul is still a teasing bastard._

“It is indeed – you should’ve known it too. It isn’t a relationship if I’m the only one around, right?”

He knows too well that he too, sounds _like a teasing bastard_ , but he might as well play whatever game Ten is playing. Johnny is a certified, grade-A tease anyway.

“Haha. Oh Johnny. I hate how you’re still the same.”

“Would you rather me be any different, then?”

“On the contrary, this is the kind of Johnny that charms a flock of girls and boys – me included.”

“The kind of Johnny that charms a flock of girls and boys, yet is only charmed by one particular boy. Funny, huh?”

He’s very well aware that he’s walking on a very thin ice.

“Very. Glad to take that special throne.”

“Why did you call me, Ten?”

The clock seemed to stop ticking, the earth stopped spinning, and the universe stopped dead on its track. Johnny’s words were clear and concise, his tone firm and direct – yet soft and honest. Too honest, as a matter of fact, that you can hear the rawness of emotions he poured into the five-worded sentence. It was as if Johnny summarized the nauseating feeling he buried and the list of unanswered questions he had lingering since three years ago into that very question: it speaks of untold love and longing, of regrets and unsaid apologies.

“I don’t know… I just felt like it? I guess…” unsureness is thick on his voice, like a lost child in a gigantic maze.

“Is it because of Jaehyun?”

“What about him?”

“Do you have things to say to me before responding to Jaehyun?”

“I-I guess I do.”

“I’m all ears.”

Ten didn’t know where to start. Ten didn’t know whether he should start with saying how heartbroken he was when they broke up, or how hard the first month was sleeping without Johnny’s embrace. Ten was not sure whether it’s appropriate for him to say how much he misses Johnny’s sense of humor – and despite Jaehyun’s flawlessness, he misses Johnny’s imperfections and awkwardness. Ten was afraid that Johnny didn’t feel the same way about losing Ten, that he was never in love with Ten at all, and that Ten is replaceable. Ten was scared of the thought of opening up to Johnny only to find Johnny had let him go three years ago.

Ten didn’t know.

Ten didn’t know that Johnny too, was full of regrets. Ten didn’t know that Johnny had rehearsed countless of times to Yuta to how best apologize to Ten. Ten didn’t know that Johnny had had sleepless nights for he was unaccustomed to sleeping without the musky scent next to him. Ten didn’t know that Johnny had shed tears upon knowing Ten had found someone else. Ten didn’t know that Johnny too, was afraid, scared, and with regrets.

Ten didn’t know.

And so he didn’t say anything.

“Thanks for being a pivotal role in my life, Johnny. You’ve made me a better person – although perhaps I’d appreciate if you had a little less douchebaggery in you. An important douchebag though.”

They shared a good laugh – and sometimes, laughter speaks a thousand words. But these words, Johnny thought, were not easily represented with a laughter:

“I’m sorry for being a major douchebag – god I seriously _was_ a major douchebag! I had so many regrets over the things I’ve done to you, kiddo. You absolutely deserved to be treated better. Do you know how long it took me to get over you?”

“Forever?”

“Almost, but not quite.”

“Aw, I would have loved it more if you have said forever.”

“So that you can see me in despair for the rest of eternity?”

“Exactly.”

Johnny could hear from the tone of his voice that Ten is smiling – they dubbed it the _thousands watt smile,_ again, courtesy of yours truly, Johnny Seo, master of cringe-worthiness – and Johnny knows Ten would be able to picture his smirk from over the phone.

“So, yeah-”

“Ten, before you continue, I’d just like to say that… to me, you’re the one that got away.”

Ten hoped that Johnny could see the tears escaping from the corners of his eyes, and Johnny wished that Ten could see the sincerity of his gaze.

“You are too, Johnny.”

They shared comfortable minutes of silence – though for them it feels like eternity, the comfortable kind. That moment, they felt that the soon-to-be-infinite distance between them doesn’t matter anymore for they have never felt closer than they are now, not even when they fall asleep in each other’s arms. That moment, they felt like birds flew out of their chest – caged feelings, now free. That moment, they felt like they’re home, whispering their final goodbyes as they embark on diverging roads.

“Thanks, Ten.”

“You’re welcome. And, thank _you_.”

“No worries, kid. So, you haven’t told me how Jaehyun proposed!”

With that, both Johnny and Ten are standing on a cliff, readied themselves to free their buried memories. With every passing word on that fated call, they set the happy memories free: from when Johnny and Ten cooked chocolate cups, from when Johnny and Ten danced all night long in the studio they rented, from when Ten brought Johnny to his home in Bangkok and introduced him to his extended family. With every loud tick of the clock that Johnny has learned to ignore, they unearthed the less pleasant memories: the one when they lost their bag in Czech Republic, the one when Johnny failed his interviews for the eighth time, the one when Ten felt like he’s lacking and is never good enough.

With the chained memories free, they have now opened up, shed their ego and doubts, raw, unearthed, naked – and can now look at each other in the eyes sincerely and feel genuinely happy for one another.

“So whatever happens, you’re going to answer to Jaehyun’s proposal tomorrow?”

“Looks like it!”

“I’m happy for you, Ten. Really.”

“Thank you, Johnny. I really appreciate it.”

“Whatever’s best for you.”

“Thanks, Johnny. Hope for the best for you, too!”

“The best for me is probably catching some sleep – it’s freaking 4 AM, Ten!”

“Holy shit I didn’t realize!”

“People tend to say that time passes quickly when they're with me.”

“Shut up.”

“Will never! Good night, Ten. Have a nice rest, it’s a big day tomorrow.”

“Good morning, Johnny. Go get some sleep! Ditch your book!”

“Shut up!”

And just like that, Johnny put his phone back on the bedside table, threw his blanket all over his shoulder, and close his eyes. The birds seem to start chirping outside – or was he just imagining things? _Oh well,_ he thought, _it’s a new day anyways._

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing for NCT/SM Rookies (goddammit, let Johnny debut already)! This was very self-indulgent, unbeta-ed, and made in haste. I know the structure is a bit lacking :(
> 
> Comments/feedbacks are greatly appreciated :)


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